Abusing is not a result of losing control
It is important to keep in mind that abuse is not a result of the abuser losing control self or herself out of anger. Abusers are trying to dominate and control their victim.
There are several reasons we know that abusers are not losing control when they abuse the victim:
physical abuse is what most people think of when they hear the phrase “domestic violence”. It can run from a slap across the face to punching, hitting, stabbing and it can eventually lead to extended assault and death.
Often, victims excuse the abuse because it start slowly and escalates over time. For instance, a man who lately shows a woman during the course of an argument may later claim that it was “just in fun”, or that he was “only joking”, and insist that the victim is overreacting. The victim, in an effort to salvage what she views as a loving relationship, will overlook the incident and convince ourselves that it won’t happen again. This pattern will occur again and again and is quite common, with the woman receiving many minor injuries over time until she becomes used to the pattern and begins to see it as almost normal.
Some of the most common injuries received by victims of physical abuse include bruises and black eyes, which can easily be explained away as being caused by a fall or walk into a door or other obstacle.
Eventually, the injuries will escalate from bumps and bruises to broken bones, lacerations and other injuries that require medication intervention. Bruised organs from blows to torso are also common. In fact, 25% of all battered women who visit the emergency room require immediate hospitalization.
Many abusers become adept at assaulting their victims in ways that inflict pain, but can be hidden from others. Hitting the victim on the torso, back and upper legs is common. Unfortunately, shame often keep the victim from reporting these injuries and they will become a participant and protecting their abuser.
EMOTIONAL AND VERBAL ABUSE
Although emotional and verbal abuse are not what traditionally come to mind when people think of domestic violence, it almost always are the forerunners to physical abuse and are forms of domestic abuse in their own right. They leave devastating emotional scars that can take years to recover from and cause psychological damage to all family members.
Many abusers use emotional and verbal abuse to control their victims and make sure they don’t leave them or defy them. In this way, even when the abuse turned physical, the victim will remain with them as a “willing” target (although that is not an accurate term, no victim is ever a willing participant in a violent act. Instead, they have been conditioned to the point that they simply can no longer see an alternative. We’ll talk about this more in later posts.
Emotional abuse, like any kind of domestic abuse, is about dominance and control. The abuser will use unfair tactics such as guilt, shame, intimidation and fear to gain power over the other person. There are several components to emotional abuse that often includes elements of verbal abuse.
If you or someone you know is in a domestic violence situation, please call 1– 800 – 799 – 7233 or visit their website at www.thehotline.org
Copyright Lifeshare University of Healing, LLC 2009 All Rights Reserved
Lisa is certified in 7 different areas of natural wellness and holds a degree in Transformational Psychology. She is the founder of Lifeshare University of Healing, LLC, and the Published Author of Nine Amethyst Angels Self Help Book and the Personal Development CD Series "A Life from Roses to Lilies, Back to Seed.